Been a while..

Hello my adoring fans, all 6 of you that is anyways.  I haven't been on here in a while, and it is simply because I constantly forget that I have a blog.  So I'm sorry to any of you that have been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my next installment.
I suppose I will start off by saying that my film project is going well.  Writers block sucks, but I'm beginning to come out of it.  I lost a partner in it, but gained another one.  I feel that my new partner and I will go far.  Not to say that the previous one and I will never work on anything ever again, it was just a mutual drifting.  He has other projects he is more passionate about.  Plus, my slow process cannot be reassuring to him..haha.
I am not sure if I mentioned my film before or not, but if not, then HEY GUYS!  I AM WORKING ON A FILM!!! :D
I will not disclose much information, because I am terrified of someone with more dedication...well not dedication, but with more speed, beating me to it and stealing my idea.  So for now, it will be spoken of in general ways.  Thank you for understanding.
That being said, I am excited to get going more on this.  I have been stuck with writers block for a while now, so I'm hoping Michael will chance this.  We have very similar creative minds.  I feel we can truly go far.  He is a brilliant guy, and very attractive as well... not that your looks matter to how successful you are, but hey... if we are gonna spend so much time together, might as well enjoy seeing him! ahah!

I have been fleshing out the script today, and the characters, instead of working.  I'm actually blogging at work right now... because there is NOTHING to do.
Today is a slow slow day!  O well, gives me some me time.  I work at a spa, so it's nice to just listen to the music and relax, spend time on the computer, answer a few calls, make a few appointments....ooo yes! haha

I will try to keep blogging and get more followers.  If you like what you read, please pass my blog along.  I know it's not very organized, but hey, it is what it is.

Thanks to you 6 for supporting me!

True love, what does it really mean?

      With Valentine's Day approaching, only 26 more days today, I find a lot of people are talking about how to express their love.  I have a few friends who are still in high school or younger (the joys of having younger siblings in the family) some of them planning how to lose the big V, others planning on how to say "I love you" for the first time...the list goes on.  I listen to these things, and want to scream!!!  That's not love at all...true love exists but not in the ways that these people are ranting on about.  So here I am, on my soapbox, and ready to reveal the secrets to the best Valentine's Day you will ever have.

      First off, I feel the need to define "love"  love, is actually not an emotion, by TRUE definition, love is: one working and willing for the good of another.  So by that definition, a lot of times when we say we "love" someone, we aren't always as loving as we should be... and with said definition at our feet, so to speak, it is not as important to say "I love you" to someone you feel towards, but rather "I like you"  as we should, as humans always be wanting the good of another, with selfless intentions, and yet we can never truly have selfless intentions, because we have become these creatures of shadow, always working with self benifit, and rarely working selflessly.  So I feel, I would rather hear, from someone with understanding of this concept, "I like you.." because it has more meaning than "love"  Though, food for thought, in this society, where we, as established moments ago, we are selfish, maybe love IS the correct word, because by saying "I love you" it is insuring that "you" (in the royal sense of the word, not so much the 2nd person sense) are a good person, because you will and work for the good of the one whom you say "I love you" to.  However, back in reality, no one really uses this definition of love, and thusly, the purest meaning is but, dust in the wind, to be a bit cliché.  I also can say, and feel no guilt, that it is society's fault that we have desensitized ourselves to words that should hold so much meaning. 

       The word "like" when used to express a feeling or fondness, could be so much for powerful than it is now, and "love" aaah yes, love,  could have a more intense meaning.  When one views love as an emotion expressing fondness, and in some cases sexual desires it rather loses path to the true meaning; because sexual desire condensed into one word is simply "lust" which has adopted negative context.  Though lust could have ties to other meanings, IE- in the Phantom of the Opera at the end, Christine says to the Phantom "...have you gourged yourself in your lust for blood?  Am I not to be pray to your lust for flesh?"  Displaying that lust can come in different forms, but when one thinks of lust, they think of sex, which is the root of the word mostly. 

      However, for sake of argument, we can simply say "lust" with the understanding that we are addressing sex.  Back on track, I'd like to address the point that the feelings of lust aren't always negative.  A husband could lust for his wife, and she for him, and that is a healthy relationship...it is when you lust for someone out of your relationship.  I say relationship open-endedly, as I do not wish to discuss the root of whom you could have a broken relationship with...and thusly will say lusting outside of your relationship is when one should feel that they have wronged the other people involved. (Relationship being used to describe the connection or level of, I suppose, closeness had with another.  Friendships, parent-kid, dating...all forms of relationships) Love and lust are two very different concepts, as you can see, and like and love are similar but not enough to consider the same.  So if you are a math driven person, we will call LOVE "A", LIKE "B", and LUST "C", A does not equal B and B does not equal C so naturally C does not equal A. 

      They are 3 different words, 3 different concepts.  However, these three things make a perfect romantic relationship.  If person 1 is willing and working the good for person 2 and person 2 is willing and working the good of person 1, they can say they truly love each other.  With love, comes respect because when you want what is good for someone else, you are respecting their needs...maybe not their wants, but their needs.  If person 1 generally always likes person 2 and vice versa, then it is easy to say they are usually happy and enjoying the company of one another, which is good to do when you are involved with another person.  Now, up until this point, I've described any possible relationship, friends or parents etc... But the key component is really the attracted desire for another.  I realize that it may seem as if I'm encouraging sex in all relationships, which may go against many beliefs, but to be truthful, we all have desires of the sexual nature... it is part of the sinful flesh that many would object to my last point on.  However, keeping this as sectional as possible, you have to want another person in ways you don't want your parents, or your best friends.  If you go around kissing all of your friends, I think it's time to rethink a lot of your choices...haha.  I'd say a better choice of wording for the point I am trying to drive home is person 1 needs to want to kiss/cuddle/have sex (maybe not all of them but come on, either you're on board or you're not..) person 2..and vice versa person 2 has to want to be intimate with person 1 in some way.  It makes the perfect romantic relationship, and everyone will hit those 3 points when they are ready.  I am also not saying that anyone who fights in their relationship or has disagreements etc needs to end their friendship or stop dating because there is a way to fight fair and a way this is unhealthy.  HOWEVER, this could go on even LONGER if I went into details there, and seems like it would be a good piece for next time, if enough people ask about it. 

       So what do I think about "true love" I think true love is when you truly work selflessly for the good of another person, which is hard to come by, and if you do, hold on to that person and if you happen to have that person in your life this Valentine's Day, treat them extra special with this new found knowledge, and give them the respect they deserve, and tell them, you like them.  It'll throw them for a loop, and spark a conversation piece over that romantic dinner you are having with them.  Happy trails and I'd like to say that even though I don't know many of you, I do hope that you know, I will do whatever I can to always will and work the good of you. 

There is Hope, and it feels SWELL

I have been working in the gift shop of a pretty nice local hotel for almost 2 months now, and it has been great.  All the people I work with are for the most part really awesome, and nice; I caught on really quick, I get along with my bosses, my coworkers, it's so far the best job I have had.  On the 1 month mark, I was getting ready to go to Elitches with a group of friends from work, and with my husband, when I was dancing around the living room and....my knee cap decided to take a vacation at the back of my leg.  So after the EMTs moved around our furniture, and took me to the hospital and after living at my parents' for nearly 3 weeks... I returned home.  So I've been in a leg brace since the 17th of July.  It has metal rods in it, and is rightfully called an immobilizer.  Well, I occasionally will just get to feeling sorry for myself, and just have a crummy attitude, which makes me have a bad day.  I will cry cuz I can't go swimming, I can't go to Elitches, I can't even walk, sleep comfy, I can't do ANYTHING...So I am now coming up to the 17th of August here soon, and am SO DONE with this leg brace, and ready to get the one with hinges and keep moving forward... Well I was kinda having an, eh, okay day not bad not good on the 13th, when a family of a mom, dad, and two young boys come into the gift shop, I think they were on their way to one of the weddings going on.  The older boy, maybe 5-7 years of age was carrying an arm full of rocks, as was his mom.  I offered the boy a bag to put all his rocks in, and he answered, with gleaming eyes, "That would be SWELL!"  I got a goofy grin on my face, and told him how awesome he was for saying "swell" because it's an under used word.  His dad smiled at me and at his son, as if to accept the compliment himself.  So this boy and I get to talking a little bit, and he asks if I like to use that word too, and I said I do, and that I think everyone should use a better vocabulary, like his.  He blushed, and then kinda walked around the shop a little bit.  I rang them up, and asked the boy for his name, and he said his name was Jackson, so I extended my hand over the counter, and said "Jackson, my name is Ashley, it's been SWELL meeting you" and his parents both glowing, smiled and I said aloud, "what a neat kid" and they thanked me, and rubbed his head.  I realized as they left, that his younger brother didn't get as much attention, and I sorta felt bad.  He just wasn't as out spoken as Jackson.  I had told him he could have one of the little American flags if he wanted them, and I hope that he doesn't feel sad that I fussed over his brother so much.  Anywho, after the left, I was talking to another customer, who had been there the whole time, and we decided that Jackson was gonna be president some day, and we wished each other a swell day.  I sat back in my chair, smiling ear to ear and decided to call my mom, and tell her the story.  At the end of the phone call to my mom, I asked her if she'd bring our old rock collection to the hotel when she came to pick me up (since I couldn't drive myself home these past few weeks).  She brought them, and I had my husband (who has been working at the same hotel [before me] in different department) to please deliver the box to their room, for the respect of the guests I will not be disclosing last names or room numbers because we do indeed respect the privacy of our guests.  I wrote a little note to Jackson, telling him that it was a pleasure meeting him, and that I used to collect rocks when I was about his age, and that I hoped he enjoyed them as much as I did, and ended the note with "... Swell wishes, Ashley (in the Gift Shop)"  I thought about him all that night, and told the story to my husband, to my mom, to my friends, to strangers... thinking, this is where the story would end.  To be honest, if it had ended there, I would have been prefectly content with this encounter, but because this is such a special kid, the story does NOT end there. 
This morning, I worked the Sunday shift, which is one person, from 8-2.  Well I woke up this morning, still wondering if Jackson liked his gift, but not thinking much would come of it, and I was hoping his parents weren't upset with me, or that they didn't think me weird.  I also was hoping no one thought I was trying to smoosh a tip out of them, I just truly felt a connection to this kid. Again, I digress, so I wake up this morning, feeling super sleepy, and bleh, get dressed, and ask my husband if we can stopped for some Chi tea and a scone.  We get our drinks and breakfast, and head off to work, for him to drop me off.  He usually works the swing shift, which is mid day to midnight, so he had planned to come back home, take a nap, tidy the apartment so we can get ready for our move in October, and then head off to work in the after noon.  We are going down the high way, and I am on the phone with my mom, and ask is asking me if Drew (my husband) will be able to come help her move something out of their house (as they are moving at the end of August) and I hear/feel a big thud, and I look at Drew and was like "What the hell was that?!" Shortly after, the car begins to shake..seeing as we are a mere 3 mins away from work, he explains he will get me to work then check out the car.  We start to think it's a flat tire, and pull over a few bulidings down from work.  Sure enough, back passenger tire is totally DEAD!  So we call work and get the shuttle to pick me up, and I get to work without a moment to spare.  I am feeling sorry for myself again, and just not wanting to be there, wishing that something good would happen to me...to him, to us...A few customers came in, complaining that we don't have coffee in the gift shop, per usual.  (which is not our fault our shop is just too small for a coffee machine...)  So I'm thinking, UGH.. I have 6 hours of people complaining about the inconvience of having to go to one of the resturants in the hotel for coffee...when my husband is down the street changing a tire on a car that has been nothing but trouble since his Uncle gave it to us.  When we got it back in May and took it to Nebraska, the fuel system was shot, and we were more or less STRANDED in Nebraska until we could get the car fixed, which cost his Uncle 1500 bucks... so yeah, this car... is a 22 year old POS beater that has been a pain.  I'm still in a leg brace, still trying to save money to move out of our hell hole of an apartment and I have to listen to people complain about trivial things...."This is going to be a REALLY long day" I huffed to myself while crossing my arms and leaning back in the chair, when I see a blonde little boy walk in, followed by a smaller shadow of himself, and a curly haired mother and the shepard-like father close behind.  With a smile the size of Texas, and shooting star eyes, my new muse hands me a ziplock baggy, with a note inside, and...2 small rocks.  His mother thanked me for the small box of rocks and said "It really meant a lot to him, and he decided that since you gave him rocks from your childhood, he wanted to give you rocks frim his childhood, so you will never forget each other.."  She was also rosey-cheeked and with a full on tooth grin, made eye contact with me, only to be broken by Jackson, urging me to read the notes right now, and explained that so I wouldn't get confused, since he wrote big, he numbered notes.  I do not have the note beside me, so I will paraphrase, it said thanks, and that the rocks will look lovely in his fish tank, and that there are two of his favorite rocks, " ...love, Jackson"  I tried very  hard to hold composure, but when you have a little gaurdian angel standing in front of you, it's very difficult to not get teary eyed.  I let him know that he has just made my day, and that I would never forget him.  We said our good-byes, and I thought that was the last of them.
I called my mom and read her the note, and I began to cry, she shared a story where a woman from work gave her a gift, that meant the same to her, and that just the little things in life we need to hold on to.  I, again, would have been more than satisfied with this being the end of our time together, and parting ways, as he gave me a whole new spin on the day, and made me feel hopeful and happy inside.  But again, we are dealing with a little gift from God here, and he had to appear one last time.  On his way out, he came in to the shop one more time, to say good bye, and make sure I liked my present as much as he liked his.  I asked him to come around the counter, and give me a hug.  He was alone this time, so we talked for a little while.  He told me if I was ever in his town (which again, I will not be disclosing) to look him up in the phone book.  He offered to give me his number, but I didn't want him to give it to me, because I didn't want his parents to be upset with him for giving his personal info to a stranger.  I told him that if I ever have a little boy, I will name him Jackson, and he smiled and gave me a huge hug, and his brother came in stomping, "Dad says time to GO!" So they left, and I stared at my rocks, and just smiled.  It's wonderful, because I have wanted to name my future son Jackson, so this kid is just perfect. I regained my hope in humanity, and I know that this isn't the last time I've seen my little angel.  I'm sure we'll cross paths again, when we need to, God has a funny way of working things out like that.
So there you have it, my story, it may not make sense to you, you may think very little of it, you may not even think that it's that big of a deal...but it meant the world to me... I wrote today's date on that bag, and will keep them in my purse with me for whenever I need a pick me up.  I know that this kid doesn't know what he has done for me, and I know he'll never read this blog, but I just hope that some day, he will realize how wonderful he is... I also hope that he will not forget this, and one day will share this story with his wife and kids, just as I will share it with my Jackson some day.
Swell wishes to everyone and espicially to Jackson and his family.

New Five Finger Death Punch Logo (vote for mine!!!)

Hey everyone!
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vote for my logo for 5fdp please, and tell your friends to vote for me too!!! PLEASE PLEASE!!!! :)

Poetic Desires

I want to jump in the car, and listen to music that makes you cry...and just drive over to his house and have a movie moment...
Just...go over there, and call him say "Come outside.." and hang up. He comes out, and I roll the window down, and say "hop in.." and he does...no questions....
And we just drive off..and we talk...and everything gets better....
We have our lil indie film moment, where things are raw, and real, and we cry, and things are okay...
while we listen to music that could not possibly be more better written into the situation...
But..then I think about how it would happen in reality...
I'd get in the car, and drive for 20 mins...listening to music, everything would be going according to plan....according to fantasy...
I'd get there, call him, and say "come outside" and he'd ask "what? Why" and try to argue with me...and get me flustered...then he'd succum to coming outside...I'd roll down the window, and say "hop in" and he'd say something like "what, now?..." and then we'd argue about how I didn't give him any warning and how he's busy, or waiting for dinner, or working on his stupid writting....and I'd have wasted the time, the enegry, and the gas to just go home...alone...more angry, more flustered, and more isolated feeling than ever....
I hate that I feel so alone, there is no reason... I have my parents, I have my husband, I have my dog... I have a few friends who give me the time of day when they can...but mostly... I just sit here alone...
I hate going places alone..so I don't go out..but if I don't go out, I can't meet anyone...
and when I do get (what I feel is pitty) offers to hang out, I usualy turn them down, because I'm afraid that I won't have anything in common with these people anymore, and it will just be weird...
I've trapped myself in this cycle...and I need SOMEONE to just come over to my house...barge in, tell me to get showered and dressed and come out with them...
or sit and play mario with me or something... just....prove to me that I belong, that I am important...that you DO think of me....
I am sick of having to start conversations, I'm sick of feeling like the little annoying sister, who doesn't get that you don't wanna play barbies with them...
OY!...
Does anyone TRULY get what I'm saying here?

To my Blue October fans...the ones who really GET it..

Lemme ask you something, what do you see?
HOPEISNOWHERE
there are 2 common ways of looking at this, either you saw "hope is now here" and you are labled a positive person, or you saw "hope is nowhere" and you're labeled a negitive person.
It's black and white, because life is black and white, right?  There are positive people, and negitive people.  But if you're like me and the other [1 out of 5] Americas who are not black and white, then what?
If you're happy laughing and carrying on one moment, then suddenly you feel like crying, and you can't breathe, and you want to scream, and you think you are screaming but really you are just staring blankly at a wall....then you're okay again...
Then what?
Clearly that is not a positive vs negitive person...
Who are you then?  I'm sure you ask yourself that a lot.
But the wonderful thing about not being so black and white, is that you live in the grey area.  you see both sides of everything, and have a bigger heart...
So as a fellow Blue October fan I know you'll understand when I say, people like us say "Hope I snow here"
Chin up, things aren't always so black and white...sometimes, we have to ask Ryan to make it snow :)