In light of a "friend"...

I have been battling with a friend lately, about mental illness.  How to handle it. So on.  Now that he knows the full details of my condition, as he's spent many nights talking with me in times of struggle, he is treating me different.  He has been nothing shy of a bother since things began to unfold months ago.  I've considered him to be a close friend of mine for years now.  So just letting him go, has been a challenge.  I always come back.  I am lonely otherwise.  To him, every emotion I have, is because I'm "crazyyyy".  If I'm happy, I must be manic.  If I'm sad, I must be depressed.  If I'm angry, I must be having horrible mood swings.  Nothing I experience is capable of being "normal" (whatever that word means anymore) emotions in his eyes.  He's allowing my condition to define me more than I do.  I'm beginning to wonder if he's a healthy relationship for me to have.  I'm trying to overcome the feeling that this has to define me, and I don't need someone else hindering that process.  He's the kind of person that makes us feel like we need to be mummed.  Don't ask don't tell apparently doesn't just apply to the army! Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE message I want to put in my documentary, but how can I focus on my mission if the objective is becoming a fantasy to even me?
I am not depressed, let's just clear that shit up RIGHT fucking now!
I am simply feeling quizzical. Simply trying to be realistic...
is it time to find a new co pilot?  This same friend was my first interview for my film, and was suppose to be involved as my right hand man...
And rather than it being a "bite the hand that feeds you" situation it's become a "hand that is biting the mouth" which is just a cloudy delusion that of course, is not proper.
I can't help but listen to music right now, and just feel inspired to prove him wrong..but is it even possible?
I'm a big believer in "signs" and reading into them...(sometimes too much)
If I am trying to send a text message to someone, that is hateful, and sending fails... I take it as a sign.
So is this a sign?  Is the doubt a sign to stop production?
Has my lack of motivation been because I know this is a lost cause?
.....I never get any feed back on this blog... no one is even following me....not really...
but if you should stumble upon this blog... feed back is welcomed...

Brainwashed? Cool, hip, "in" to be crazy?...

I was recently told by an online friend, that I have been "brain washed into thinking it's a 'cool' thing to be 'crazy'" (this is a loose quote).  I didn't get angry, which is what I think she expected.  I think she expected me to become angry, that she would question if I was really in an altered mental state.  I think I ruined that plan, if that was the plan, because I did not become angry.  I did not become overly defensive.  She claimed I would be fine if I, quote, "stopped listening to music for 2 weeks."  She seems to think that I only "became" crazy after discovering the band Blue October, it would seem.  However, long before I knew about the band, I was "crazy" and deemed unstable.  I feel like I found the band as a magnet to the need of being understood.  Things got a bit better for me, for the most part, since the discovery of Blue October.  On top of that, I listen to other bands too.  I like Five Finger Death Punch, The Dresden Dolls, Insane Clown Posse, John Mayer, Alkaline Trio, (old) Green Day...so on so on...
It's not like I only have ONE band in my itunes...
I am a bit offended by her statement, in thinking that I am more or less faking my issues, because I think it's hip, and "something to be proud of."  I am not ashamed, but I am also not proud.  Which is exactly what I told her, before she signed off. 
I honestly can't believe she would think that lowly of me...it could simply be because she was in a foul mood..but if that is truly how she feels, then I am indeed offended.
I would not fake anything like this, this is NOT something to lie about.  I talk about it a lot, because I feel it SHOULD be talked about.  I have made it sort of my mini mission, if you will, to talk about it.  Hence the documentary, hence the constant talking...
I can admit sometimes I let it be my everything, but who in this world who has been told they have a mental disorder, don't let it take total control?
It really hurts me that anyone would think I'm an attention seeker, faking my way through this.
I would much rather NOT be like this...
My family thinks I'm a moron, and doesn't understand me...
My friends are getting tired of me...
My life is starting to feel like a big fucking joke.....
Why would ANYONE bring that upon themselves...does that seem "cool" to any of you?!
I didn't think so...
Someone who would bring that upon themselves even is still mentally ill...faking being bipolar is still a mental illness...lying compulsively is STILL and illness...
so even if I was a liar, faker, what have you...that ALONE is an illness...
But alas, I'm not a liar, faker, a what have you...
I really am in this position.
I am going to share with you, in small detail, what I experience...with full truth...
I'm sure my mom will think I'm sharing too much, but this isn't her life...this is mine...and in my life, I am an open book...
So..here goes...
I will become sad/mad/angry/anxious/happy for no reason, all in the blink of an eye.
I will not sleep for days...and not miss a beat.
I will cry, just because I can.
I will fear that you are trying to kill me.
I fear, you already know everything I'm telling you.
I will get a sense of people who do not know me, know me, and everything about me...it's scary.
I feel like people judge me all the time, just for existing...which causes me to freak out about how I look.
I am afraid someone/thing paranormal lives in my mirror, and is going to surprise attack me.
I think I'm in my own version of the Trueman Show.
I rarely trust anyone.
I used to cut myself, whenever I felt any strong emotions. (I haven't done this for a long time now thankfully)
I pull at my eyebrows, because I am afraid they look silly, and it soothes me.
I get chest butterflies, all the time, that make me feel scared.
I sometimes can't remember what is real, and what is a dream.
I am always afraid that I will die, and people will not care.
I'm afraid someone I love will die.
I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
Right now, I feel a panic attack coming on.......

I feel these things often, and other times, I don't.  I feel them more extreme than the "average" person.  I felt them before Blue October, I felt them during, I'll feel them after.
So do not come to me, and tell me you think I'm a foney...because that is hurtful.  Just because I don't know how to balance my life with this, and talk about it all the time, doesn't mean I do it for attention.  It simply means that it bothers me...it bothers me to the point it's all I think about...
because all I fucking want, is to be "normal" to be free from all this shit!
But that's not the case..and medications scare me, especially after what happened to me on Saturday, which very FEW people know...
I am very upset that anyone would think I'm a drama queen...when all I want is someone to tell me how to cope!