Poetic Desires

I want to jump in the car, and listen to music that makes you cry...and just drive over to his house and have a movie moment...
Just...go over there, and call him say "Come outside.." and hang up. He comes out, and I roll the window down, and say "hop in.." and he does...no questions....
And we just drive off..and we talk...and everything gets better....
We have our lil indie film moment, where things are raw, and real, and we cry, and things are okay...
while we listen to music that could not possibly be more better written into the situation...
But..then I think about how it would happen in reality...
I'd get in the car, and drive for 20 mins...listening to music, everything would be going according to plan....according to fantasy...
I'd get there, call him, and say "come outside" and he'd ask "what? Why" and try to argue with me...and get me flustered...then he'd succum to coming outside...I'd roll down the window, and say "hop in" and he'd say something like "what, now?..." and then we'd argue about how I didn't give him any warning and how he's busy, or waiting for dinner, or working on his stupid writting....and I'd have wasted the time, the enegry, and the gas to just go home...alone...more angry, more flustered, and more isolated feeling than ever....
I hate that I feel so alone, there is no reason... I have my parents, I have my husband, I have my dog... I have a few friends who give me the time of day when they can...but mostly... I just sit here alone...
I hate going places alone..so I don't go out..but if I don't go out, I can't meet anyone...
and when I do get (what I feel is pitty) offers to hang out, I usualy turn them down, because I'm afraid that I won't have anything in common with these people anymore, and it will just be weird...
I've trapped myself in this cycle...and I need SOMEONE to just come over to my house...barge in, tell me to get showered and dressed and come out with them...
or sit and play mario with me or something... just....prove to me that I belong, that I am important...that you DO think of me....
I am sick of having to start conversations, I'm sick of feeling like the little annoying sister, who doesn't get that you don't wanna play barbies with them...
OY!...
Does anyone TRULY get what I'm saying here?

To my Blue October fans...the ones who really GET it..

Lemme ask you something, what do you see?
HOPEISNOWHERE
there are 2 common ways of looking at this, either you saw "hope is now here" and you are labled a positive person, or you saw "hope is nowhere" and you're labeled a negitive person.
It's black and white, because life is black and white, right?  There are positive people, and negitive people.  But if you're like me and the other [1 out of 5] Americas who are not black and white, then what?
If you're happy laughing and carrying on one moment, then suddenly you feel like crying, and you can't breathe, and you want to scream, and you think you are screaming but really you are just staring blankly at a wall....then you're okay again...
Then what?
Clearly that is not a positive vs negitive person...
Who are you then?  I'm sure you ask yourself that a lot.
But the wonderful thing about not being so black and white, is that you live in the grey area.  you see both sides of everything, and have a bigger heart...
So as a fellow Blue October fan I know you'll understand when I say, people like us say "Hope I snow here"
Chin up, things aren't always so black and white...sometimes, we have to ask Ryan to make it snow :)