There is Hope, and it feels SWELL

I have been working in the gift shop of a pretty nice local hotel for almost 2 months now, and it has been great.  All the people I work with are for the most part really awesome, and nice; I caught on really quick, I get along with my bosses, my coworkers, it's so far the best job I have had.  On the 1 month mark, I was getting ready to go to Elitches with a group of friends from work, and with my husband, when I was dancing around the living room and....my knee cap decided to take a vacation at the back of my leg.  So after the EMTs moved around our furniture, and took me to the hospital and after living at my parents' for nearly 3 weeks... I returned home.  So I've been in a leg brace since the 17th of July.  It has metal rods in it, and is rightfully called an immobilizer.  Well, I occasionally will just get to feeling sorry for myself, and just have a crummy attitude, which makes me have a bad day.  I will cry cuz I can't go swimming, I can't go to Elitches, I can't even walk, sleep comfy, I can't do ANYTHING...So I am now coming up to the 17th of August here soon, and am SO DONE with this leg brace, and ready to get the one with hinges and keep moving forward... Well I was kinda having an, eh, okay day not bad not good on the 13th, when a family of a mom, dad, and two young boys come into the gift shop, I think they were on their way to one of the weddings going on.  The older boy, maybe 5-7 years of age was carrying an arm full of rocks, as was his mom.  I offered the boy a bag to put all his rocks in, and he answered, with gleaming eyes, "That would be SWELL!"  I got a goofy grin on my face, and told him how awesome he was for saying "swell" because it's an under used word.  His dad smiled at me and at his son, as if to accept the compliment himself.  So this boy and I get to talking a little bit, and he asks if I like to use that word too, and I said I do, and that I think everyone should use a better vocabulary, like his.  He blushed, and then kinda walked around the shop a little bit.  I rang them up, and asked the boy for his name, and he said his name was Jackson, so I extended my hand over the counter, and said "Jackson, my name is Ashley, it's been SWELL meeting you" and his parents both glowing, smiled and I said aloud, "what a neat kid" and they thanked me, and rubbed his head.  I realized as they left, that his younger brother didn't get as much attention, and I sorta felt bad.  He just wasn't as out spoken as Jackson.  I had told him he could have one of the little American flags if he wanted them, and I hope that he doesn't feel sad that I fussed over his brother so much.  Anywho, after the left, I was talking to another customer, who had been there the whole time, and we decided that Jackson was gonna be president some day, and we wished each other a swell day.  I sat back in my chair, smiling ear to ear and decided to call my mom, and tell her the story.  At the end of the phone call to my mom, I asked her if she'd bring our old rock collection to the hotel when she came to pick me up (since I couldn't drive myself home these past few weeks).  She brought them, and I had my husband (who has been working at the same hotel [before me] in different department) to please deliver the box to their room, for the respect of the guests I will not be disclosing last names or room numbers because we do indeed respect the privacy of our guests.  I wrote a little note to Jackson, telling him that it was a pleasure meeting him, and that I used to collect rocks when I was about his age, and that I hoped he enjoyed them as much as I did, and ended the note with "... Swell wishes, Ashley (in the Gift Shop)"  I thought about him all that night, and told the story to my husband, to my mom, to my friends, to strangers... thinking, this is where the story would end.  To be honest, if it had ended there, I would have been prefectly content with this encounter, but because this is such a special kid, the story does NOT end there. 
This morning, I worked the Sunday shift, which is one person, from 8-2.  Well I woke up this morning, still wondering if Jackson liked his gift, but not thinking much would come of it, and I was hoping his parents weren't upset with me, or that they didn't think me weird.  I also was hoping no one thought I was trying to smoosh a tip out of them, I just truly felt a connection to this kid. Again, I digress, so I wake up this morning, feeling super sleepy, and bleh, get dressed, and ask my husband if we can stopped for some Chi tea and a scone.  We get our drinks and breakfast, and head off to work, for him to drop me off.  He usually works the swing shift, which is mid day to midnight, so he had planned to come back home, take a nap, tidy the apartment so we can get ready for our move in October, and then head off to work in the after noon.  We are going down the high way, and I am on the phone with my mom, and ask is asking me if Drew (my husband) will be able to come help her move something out of their house (as they are moving at the end of August) and I hear/feel a big thud, and I look at Drew and was like "What the hell was that?!" Shortly after, the car begins to shake..seeing as we are a mere 3 mins away from work, he explains he will get me to work then check out the car.  We start to think it's a flat tire, and pull over a few bulidings down from work.  Sure enough, back passenger tire is totally DEAD!  So we call work and get the shuttle to pick me up, and I get to work without a moment to spare.  I am feeling sorry for myself again, and just not wanting to be there, wishing that something good would happen to me...to him, to us...A few customers came in, complaining that we don't have coffee in the gift shop, per usual.  (which is not our fault our shop is just too small for a coffee machine...)  So I'm thinking, UGH.. I have 6 hours of people complaining about the inconvience of having to go to one of the resturants in the hotel for coffee...when my husband is down the street changing a tire on a car that has been nothing but trouble since his Uncle gave it to us.  When we got it back in May and took it to Nebraska, the fuel system was shot, and we were more or less STRANDED in Nebraska until we could get the car fixed, which cost his Uncle 1500 bucks... so yeah, this car... is a 22 year old POS beater that has been a pain.  I'm still in a leg brace, still trying to save money to move out of our hell hole of an apartment and I have to listen to people complain about trivial things...."This is going to be a REALLY long day" I huffed to myself while crossing my arms and leaning back in the chair, when I see a blonde little boy walk in, followed by a smaller shadow of himself, and a curly haired mother and the shepard-like father close behind.  With a smile the size of Texas, and shooting star eyes, my new muse hands me a ziplock baggy, with a note inside, and...2 small rocks.  His mother thanked me for the small box of rocks and said "It really meant a lot to him, and he decided that since you gave him rocks from your childhood, he wanted to give you rocks frim his childhood, so you will never forget each other.."  She was also rosey-cheeked and with a full on tooth grin, made eye contact with me, only to be broken by Jackson, urging me to read the notes right now, and explained that so I wouldn't get confused, since he wrote big, he numbered notes.  I do not have the note beside me, so I will paraphrase, it said thanks, and that the rocks will look lovely in his fish tank, and that there are two of his favorite rocks, " ...love, Jackson"  I tried very  hard to hold composure, but when you have a little gaurdian angel standing in front of you, it's very difficult to not get teary eyed.  I let him know that he has just made my day, and that I would never forget him.  We said our good-byes, and I thought that was the last of them.
I called my mom and read her the note, and I began to cry, she shared a story where a woman from work gave her a gift, that meant the same to her, and that just the little things in life we need to hold on to.  I, again, would have been more than satisfied with this being the end of our time together, and parting ways, as he gave me a whole new spin on the day, and made me feel hopeful and happy inside.  But again, we are dealing with a little gift from God here, and he had to appear one last time.  On his way out, he came in to the shop one more time, to say good bye, and make sure I liked my present as much as he liked his.  I asked him to come around the counter, and give me a hug.  He was alone this time, so we talked for a little while.  He told me if I was ever in his town (which again, I will not be disclosing) to look him up in the phone book.  He offered to give me his number, but I didn't want him to give it to me, because I didn't want his parents to be upset with him for giving his personal info to a stranger.  I told him that if I ever have a little boy, I will name him Jackson, and he smiled and gave me a huge hug, and his brother came in stomping, "Dad says time to GO!" So they left, and I stared at my rocks, and just smiled.  It's wonderful, because I have wanted to name my future son Jackson, so this kid is just perfect. I regained my hope in humanity, and I know that this isn't the last time I've seen my little angel.  I'm sure we'll cross paths again, when we need to, God has a funny way of working things out like that.
So there you have it, my story, it may not make sense to you, you may think very little of it, you may not even think that it's that big of a deal...but it meant the world to me... I wrote today's date on that bag, and will keep them in my purse with me for whenever I need a pick me up.  I know that this kid doesn't know what he has done for me, and I know he'll never read this blog, but I just hope that some day, he will realize how wonderful he is... I also hope that he will not forget this, and one day will share this story with his wife and kids, just as I will share it with my Jackson some day.
Swell wishes to everyone and espicially to Jackson and his family.

New Five Finger Death Punch Logo (vote for mine!!!)

Hey everyone!
I entered to be the new 5fdp logo!
PLEASE vote for me!!!!!

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vote for my logo for 5fdp please, and tell your friends to vote for me too!!! PLEASE PLEASE!!!! :)

Poetic Desires

I want to jump in the car, and listen to music that makes you cry...and just drive over to his house and have a movie moment...
Just...go over there, and call him say "Come outside.." and hang up. He comes out, and I roll the window down, and say "hop in.." and he does...no questions....
And we just drive off..and we talk...and everything gets better....
We have our lil indie film moment, where things are raw, and real, and we cry, and things are okay...
while we listen to music that could not possibly be more better written into the situation...
But..then I think about how it would happen in reality...
I'd get in the car, and drive for 20 mins...listening to music, everything would be going according to plan....according to fantasy...
I'd get there, call him, and say "come outside" and he'd ask "what? Why" and try to argue with me...and get me flustered...then he'd succum to coming outside...I'd roll down the window, and say "hop in" and he'd say something like "what, now?..." and then we'd argue about how I didn't give him any warning and how he's busy, or waiting for dinner, or working on his stupid writting....and I'd have wasted the time, the enegry, and the gas to just go home...alone...more angry, more flustered, and more isolated feeling than ever....
I hate that I feel so alone, there is no reason... I have my parents, I have my husband, I have my dog... I have a few friends who give me the time of day when they can...but mostly... I just sit here alone...
I hate going places alone..so I don't go out..but if I don't go out, I can't meet anyone...
and when I do get (what I feel is pitty) offers to hang out, I usualy turn them down, because I'm afraid that I won't have anything in common with these people anymore, and it will just be weird...
I've trapped myself in this cycle...and I need SOMEONE to just come over to my house...barge in, tell me to get showered and dressed and come out with them...
or sit and play mario with me or something... just....prove to me that I belong, that I am important...that you DO think of me....
I am sick of having to start conversations, I'm sick of feeling like the little annoying sister, who doesn't get that you don't wanna play barbies with them...
OY!...
Does anyone TRULY get what I'm saying here?

To my Blue October fans...the ones who really GET it..

Lemme ask you something, what do you see?
HOPEISNOWHERE
there are 2 common ways of looking at this, either you saw "hope is now here" and you are labled a positive person, or you saw "hope is nowhere" and you're labeled a negitive person.
It's black and white, because life is black and white, right?  There are positive people, and negitive people.  But if you're like me and the other [1 out of 5] Americas who are not black and white, then what?
If you're happy laughing and carrying on one moment, then suddenly you feel like crying, and you can't breathe, and you want to scream, and you think you are screaming but really you are just staring blankly at a wall....then you're okay again...
Then what?
Clearly that is not a positive vs negitive person...
Who are you then?  I'm sure you ask yourself that a lot.
But the wonderful thing about not being so black and white, is that you live in the grey area.  you see both sides of everything, and have a bigger heart...
So as a fellow Blue October fan I know you'll understand when I say, people like us say "Hope I snow here"
Chin up, things aren't always so black and white...sometimes, we have to ask Ryan to make it snow :)

In light of a "friend"...

I have been battling with a friend lately, about mental illness.  How to handle it. So on.  Now that he knows the full details of my condition, as he's spent many nights talking with me in times of struggle, he is treating me different.  He has been nothing shy of a bother since things began to unfold months ago.  I've considered him to be a close friend of mine for years now.  So just letting him go, has been a challenge.  I always come back.  I am lonely otherwise.  To him, every emotion I have, is because I'm "crazyyyy".  If I'm happy, I must be manic.  If I'm sad, I must be depressed.  If I'm angry, I must be having horrible mood swings.  Nothing I experience is capable of being "normal" (whatever that word means anymore) emotions in his eyes.  He's allowing my condition to define me more than I do.  I'm beginning to wonder if he's a healthy relationship for me to have.  I'm trying to overcome the feeling that this has to define me, and I don't need someone else hindering that process.  He's the kind of person that makes us feel like we need to be mummed.  Don't ask don't tell apparently doesn't just apply to the army! Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE message I want to put in my documentary, but how can I focus on my mission if the objective is becoming a fantasy to even me?
I am not depressed, let's just clear that shit up RIGHT fucking now!
I am simply feeling quizzical. Simply trying to be realistic...
is it time to find a new co pilot?  This same friend was my first interview for my film, and was suppose to be involved as my right hand man...
And rather than it being a "bite the hand that feeds you" situation it's become a "hand that is biting the mouth" which is just a cloudy delusion that of course, is not proper.
I can't help but listen to music right now, and just feel inspired to prove him wrong..but is it even possible?
I'm a big believer in "signs" and reading into them...(sometimes too much)
If I am trying to send a text message to someone, that is hateful, and sending fails... I take it as a sign.
So is this a sign?  Is the doubt a sign to stop production?
Has my lack of motivation been because I know this is a lost cause?
.....I never get any feed back on this blog... no one is even following me....not really...
but if you should stumble upon this blog... feed back is welcomed...

Brainwashed? Cool, hip, "in" to be crazy?...

I was recently told by an online friend, that I have been "brain washed into thinking it's a 'cool' thing to be 'crazy'" (this is a loose quote).  I didn't get angry, which is what I think she expected.  I think she expected me to become angry, that she would question if I was really in an altered mental state.  I think I ruined that plan, if that was the plan, because I did not become angry.  I did not become overly defensive.  She claimed I would be fine if I, quote, "stopped listening to music for 2 weeks."  She seems to think that I only "became" crazy after discovering the band Blue October, it would seem.  However, long before I knew about the band, I was "crazy" and deemed unstable.  I feel like I found the band as a magnet to the need of being understood.  Things got a bit better for me, for the most part, since the discovery of Blue October.  On top of that, I listen to other bands too.  I like Five Finger Death Punch, The Dresden Dolls, Insane Clown Posse, John Mayer, Alkaline Trio, (old) Green Day...so on so on...
It's not like I only have ONE band in my itunes...
I am a bit offended by her statement, in thinking that I am more or less faking my issues, because I think it's hip, and "something to be proud of."  I am not ashamed, but I am also not proud.  Which is exactly what I told her, before she signed off. 
I honestly can't believe she would think that lowly of me...it could simply be because she was in a foul mood..but if that is truly how she feels, then I am indeed offended.
I would not fake anything like this, this is NOT something to lie about.  I talk about it a lot, because I feel it SHOULD be talked about.  I have made it sort of my mini mission, if you will, to talk about it.  Hence the documentary, hence the constant talking...
I can admit sometimes I let it be my everything, but who in this world who has been told they have a mental disorder, don't let it take total control?
It really hurts me that anyone would think I'm an attention seeker, faking my way through this.
I would much rather NOT be like this...
My family thinks I'm a moron, and doesn't understand me...
My friends are getting tired of me...
My life is starting to feel like a big fucking joke.....
Why would ANYONE bring that upon themselves...does that seem "cool" to any of you?!
I didn't think so...
Someone who would bring that upon themselves even is still mentally ill...faking being bipolar is still a mental illness...lying compulsively is STILL and illness...
so even if I was a liar, faker, what have you...that ALONE is an illness...
But alas, I'm not a liar, faker, a what have you...
I really am in this position.
I am going to share with you, in small detail, what I experience...with full truth...
I'm sure my mom will think I'm sharing too much, but this isn't her life...this is mine...and in my life, I am an open book...
So..here goes...
I will become sad/mad/angry/anxious/happy for no reason, all in the blink of an eye.
I will not sleep for days...and not miss a beat.
I will cry, just because I can.
I will fear that you are trying to kill me.
I fear, you already know everything I'm telling you.
I will get a sense of people who do not know me, know me, and everything about me...it's scary.
I feel like people judge me all the time, just for existing...which causes me to freak out about how I look.
I am afraid someone/thing paranormal lives in my mirror, and is going to surprise attack me.
I think I'm in my own version of the Trueman Show.
I rarely trust anyone.
I used to cut myself, whenever I felt any strong emotions. (I haven't done this for a long time now thankfully)
I pull at my eyebrows, because I am afraid they look silly, and it soothes me.
I get chest butterflies, all the time, that make me feel scared.
I sometimes can't remember what is real, and what is a dream.
I am always afraid that I will die, and people will not care.
I'm afraid someone I love will die.
I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
Right now, I feel a panic attack coming on.......

I feel these things often, and other times, I don't.  I feel them more extreme than the "average" person.  I felt them before Blue October, I felt them during, I'll feel them after.
So do not come to me, and tell me you think I'm a foney...because that is hurtful.  Just because I don't know how to balance my life with this, and talk about it all the time, doesn't mean I do it for attention.  It simply means that it bothers me...it bothers me to the point it's all I think about...
because all I fucking want, is to be "normal" to be free from all this shit!
But that's not the case..and medications scare me, especially after what happened to me on Saturday, which very FEW people know...
I am very upset that anyone would think I'm a drama queen...when all I want is someone to tell me how to cope!

I Invented A Game! LET'S PLAY!!! :)

 Okay, so I invented a game, that I think would be AWESOME to try!
--What you need--
at LEAST 4 people.
1 car to each team.
text message capability/picture messaging.
Gas money.

--How to play--
divide into teams (teams must consist of at least 2 people)
Decide your distance/time limit before each round.
No matter how many teams are playing, only ONE team hides at a time.
All the other teams are looking for the hiding team.
The non-driver team member will send messages/picture clues to the other non-driver team members as to their hiding location.
The hiding team has a limit of 15 messages/pictures they can send.
The clues should be challenging, but not impossible.
The seeking team(s) may ask 3 questions per round. These may be hot/cold questions, cardinal directions from a location (not the hiding point obviously).
However, the seeking teams may NOT ask for exact location.
The only point a seeking team may ask for exact location is if they are taking a CHANCE.
a CHANCE is when the seeking team thinks they know where the hiding team is, and calls it to win the game without physically finding the location.
If the seeking team is incorrect, they lose the game.
The first team to find the hiding team(physically or by CHANCE) wins the round, and is now the hiding team.
Once a team has been found, the hiding team needs to notify the other seekers.
Should no one find the hiding team, then the hiding team hides again.

--extra rules and cautions--
Do not drive unsafe, it's only a game.
Do not text if you are the driver.
The hiding team is not allowed to move, once they've chosen a location.
If a team is discovered to be moving, they will not get to hide for 6 turns.
you MUST send the picture/text to each seeking teams at the SAME TIME!
It is advisable that you stay IN your car as a hiding team, if you're in an area you don't know.
This is not TAG, so do not speed.
It is wise to decide off limit locations prior to the game.
At any point seeking teams may switch positions within their own team. (Driver becomes texter, texter becomes driver)

***Baby Bot made a list, of every birthday wish....***

Kudos if you got the joke!
If not...you fail.
lol
So I wanted to make a list of things I want for my birthday....and I'll do it in pictures....
But honestly, if you think of something better...that's cool.....ahahahaha or if you get me nothing that's cool...
I'm not nearly as greedy as this will make me seem! hhahahaha

the size I'd need is selected.

1-3x

the bigger the better no smaller than a 1x-2x

same this bigger better no smaller than 1-2x

size is selected in the picture I believe, if not 2-3x

size 9.5-10

2-3x

King sized bed (check with Drew)

2-3x

XL fits alright in men's clothing

2-3x

ebay

idk if they still have these

size 2x-3x

XL

2x-3x

I'll prolly add things as I find them..hahaaha
I really want a cool pair of Dr Marten's boots!!! :)
umm... Itunes gift cards
visa gift cards
HOMEMADE GIFTS ROOOOCK!!!!!

When we're feeling most destructive, it's best to create...

I was feeling very, angsty, and like no one understood me, so I created an artistic piece [on the computer] to show how I was feeling...
I titled the piece "my life"
This is what it feels like to be me.
I've decided to share this with my blog followers.  Note that anything pictured in this piece, is simply for dramatic/artistic purposes.
I am fine, I was just very frustrated with my life...and wanted to give a vivid look into how I feel from time to time.
If there are questions or concerns, please..let me know.
I love to talk about myself ;)

Should the mentally ill and those with a history of mental illness be forced disclose their medical charts?

I was watching the news tonight, and saw a story that was discussing the possibility of people who have or have had mental illnesses to disclose this information in order obtain a gun. 
I wrote to the news station with my opinion.  Below is my email to them:
After watching the segment about the posibility of denying people the basic right to own a gun based on their mental status I have a few things to say on the matter.
I believe that imposing on people's basic rights, is never okay.  I can respect that investigating into mental history is to protect people's lives as a whole and to protect the person in question's safety, however it is impossible to determine if a person is stable or not based on their history.
People who show a moment of weakness in their lives of becoming suicidal or homicidal (due to being mentally ill) should not be denied their basic rights.
I am working on a documentary film trying to end the stigma of mental illnesses, and hearing that there is a possibility of people needed to disclose their confidential imformation in order to be treated equally under state law, is unconsitutional!
We want those who endure mental health issues, to be confidant in the ability to speak out, to pick up the phone, to be able to find hope and comfort in seeking help.  If someone who is considering seeking help, feels like they will never be normal, never viewed as not having the horrible stigma that comes with mental illness then seeking treatment will fly out the window.
Then we just have a million people who are untreated, and that is a bigger threat to society than them seeking treatment.  With proper treatments, (IE- medication, therapy, hospitalization...etc) one can live a fully functional and healthy lifestyle.
Which is the purpose of my film, to put a face to these "monsters" and show they are anything but.  They are your neighbor, your sister, your brother, your mother, your best friend, your boss...
I'd be interested in hearing back from someone and possibly discussing this further. As the subject matter is very dear to me and my documentary.
Thank you for your time,
Ashley


Clearly I am displeased with this possibility.  It is clearly imposing on people's rights as US citizens to ask them to give this information.  They have done nothing wrong, they are not criminals.  They did not CHOOSE to have this condition. 
Like I said in my email to the station, I believe that making this law will cause people to not seek proper treatment.
I think a REAL news story would be to show people where to seek treatment, and make it not seem scary.
There are a lot of closet cases out there, because they are afraid of becoming a monsterous face of the stigma!
As saddening as it is that someone who is mentally ill, shot a congress woman, I feel it is all of our fault as a member of society, who do not reach out to those who are screaming for our attention.
It is our job as people of this world to love and accept that not everything is perfect, and if it is not "our jobs to save the world" then I ask you now, whose job is it then?  If we do not make effort to save lives, and to save our fellow man, and make a difference...whose job is it?
comments, questions..I'd love to hear from you.