I have been battling with a friend lately, about mental illness. How to handle it. So on. Now that he knows the full details of my condition, as he's spent many nights talking with me in times of struggle, he is treating me different. He has been nothing shy of a bother since things began to unfold months ago. I've considered him to be a close friend of mine for years now. So just letting him go, has been a challenge. I always come back. I am lonely otherwise. To him, every emotion I have, is because I'm "crazyyyy". If I'm happy, I must be manic. If I'm sad, I must be depressed. If I'm angry, I must be having horrible mood swings. Nothing I experience is capable of being "normal" (whatever that word means anymore) emotions in his eyes. He's allowing my condition to define me more than I do. I'm beginning to wonder if he's a healthy relationship for me to have. I'm trying to overcome the feeling that this has to define me, and I don't need someone else hindering that process. He's the kind of person that makes us feel like we need to be mummed. Don't ask don't tell apparently doesn't just apply to the army! Which is the EXACT OPPOSITE message I want to put in my documentary, but how can I focus on my mission if the objective is becoming a fantasy to even me?
I am not depressed, let's just clear that shit up RIGHT fucking now!
I am simply feeling quizzical. Simply trying to be realistic...
is it time to find a new co pilot? This same friend was my first interview for my film, and was suppose to be involved as my right hand man...
And rather than it being a "bite the hand that feeds you" situation it's become a "hand that is biting the mouth" which is just a cloudy delusion that of course, is not proper.
I can't help but listen to music right now, and just feel inspired to prove him wrong..but is it even possible?
I'm a big believer in "signs" and reading into them...(sometimes too much)
If I am trying to send a text message to someone, that is hateful, and sending fails... I take it as a sign.
So is this a sign? Is the doubt a sign to stop production?
Has my lack of motivation been because I know this is a lost cause?
.....I never get any feed back on this blog... no one is even following me....not really...
but if you should stumble upon this blog... feed back is welcomed...
1 comment:
I am lame and clicked on Glass Delirium to see if there is anyone else on this blog site who likes my band. ;)
Anyway, I am Cassi from Glass Delirium (I'm assuming you like the Glass Delirium from Denver, heh, sorry if I'm wrong!). Seeing as you mentioned manic, I am guessing you're bipolar? Well, so am I and I wanted to let you know that it does not and should not define you. I know it's been over a month since you posted this blog, but you asked for feedback, and I wanted to lend a reaching arm out, since I can relate.
I don't tell many people about my condition. I fear judgment, abandonment (as a friend), harsh treatment,... I've had the diagnosis for almost 3 years now, and I am still "ashamed" of it. I'm not trying to make this about me, I just wanted to give you some background.
A true friend, however, will not judge you. Mental illness is JUST like any other illness (diabetes, asthma, etc.); it just happens to affect our brains. We are STILL human and STILL deserve friends. There is no such thing as normal, and I'll be damned if we are treated any differently because we have an illness that we have absolutely zero control over.
If this friend is treating you differently, he really doesn't deserve to be your friend. It could definitely be a sign. I'd love to chat with you about it if you ever want to. I could always use more friends, especially people who will understand me.
Hang in there and, again, I'm sorry if I stumbled upon your journal and you do not like the band I'm in, but a different Glass Delirium. XD
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